In August, 2 years ago, I picked up my wife's cellphone and saw an whatsapp between a family friend and her which made it very clear that they were having an affair which had started some 3 months before.
To say that I was shocked would not be an understatement. I was hurt, damaged, emotionally shattered and broken. Completely.
I did not feel anger, which I saw in subsequent posts was common, but, as I discovered in ongoing research, no two people react in the same way. So there is no right or wrong way to react - it is YOU!
I challenged her, and all was admitted. We discussed options all day - she told me she loved him, but also me, and did not know what to do.
At midnight she went to sleep, I lay in bed with mind in a turmoil and internal pain (emotional), getting up and sitting alone downstairs trying to work out what to do next. Was a 36 year marriage over?
Eventually went up to bed, slept 1.5 hours...
Later that morning she told me she decided to stay with me and try to restore our marriage. A lot of pain lifted....
Discussed how to go from there. She was afraid I would not be able to forgive her, but I promised I would do my best.
I started to research affair recovery on Google, and found SO MANY articles. This just confused, as so many conflicting views appeared.
The major conflict was that of contact with the AP. All articles stressed the necessity of totally breaking ALL contract with the other party. She wanted to stay in contact with him "as a friend"! She seemed oblivious to the threat and pain this caused to me, but in the end she reluctantly agreed to break off contact, and agreed I could block him on all e-contacts. This eased matters somewhat.
I spent 6 weeks with emotions switching between pain and anguish to hope and uplifting feelings.
Searched so many sites and articles on recovery, passed them on to her, but all seemed to offer so many conflicting views, became more confused than anything else.
Then, in the search, I came across Peter Uglow's site. It really grabbed me, talked to me... My wife agreed, and we made contact, and had the one hour interview / discussion.
And, for the first time, there seemed to be a realistic lifeline offered. We agreed that the programme offered that "something" missing in all others read. While not cheap, it offered realistic chance of recovery, and that is a lot less costly than a divorce, splitting assets and the like. So we started the programme.
The programme made an indescribable difference! It clarifies issues difficult to understand when you are in emotional turmoil.
Is it an immediate placebo? No. But, bit by bit pieces come together and one can understand why / what happened, and put bits down.
Over the next 12 months our relationship strengthened slowly and steadily, with triggers and setbacks. One major issue was contact with thr other man - despite unconditional promises and undertakings to break all contact, over 3 months from DDay she tried to contact him at least 6 times, and was in contact with him actually when I found out again.
This was incredible setback. Emotions and doubts reared up again, sleepless nights, fears, pain.
The programme is huge help! Strangely, when I was really down and in pain, the next lesson somehow addressed it, eased the pain/ doubts, and the triggers slowly affected me less and less.
Nearly 2 years on now I have finished the program once, start to finish, and am slowly working through it again.
I found my feelings were an emotional roller coaster, and I still occasionally have a bad night or day - the 3 to 4am wake ups are the worst, I find. Somehow logic does not appear at that time - mind races, pain/emotions overrule. The programme slowly helped resolve issues. You begin to see more than one side to the picture. The nagging, sick feeling in the stomach eases.
Over the 2 years, progress is steady. "Triggers" - places they went together, experiences they enjoyed together - all conspire to drag you back into pain and despondency. One of the worst things from my side is that the affair was in our home when I was away working. Having to get into the same bed that they were in, making out, really hit me hard. Not being able to walk away from the triggers was the worst. Your mind conjors up pictures difficult to ignore.
I found that I would try and build walls to protect my emotions and feelings, and found that this bottling up was counter productive. Pain and resentment would just grow, and hindered repairing our relationship. I had to learn to open communications with my wife, express how I felt without blaming her. it was very difficult af first, but got easier in time.
But you never know when, in an instant, something can hit you and open the wounds. I never realised how many TV shows involve affairs. A song on the radio. The mention of a place visited with the lover. I would go from happy and lighthearted to down a pit of despondency in moments.
As i said at the start - no 2 people react or feel the same. But, as I progressed in the programme, it gradually became clearer how to handle the gamut of feelings. You learn forgiveness, which is critical as you poison yourself without it. Trust was the next major issue for me. How can you trust someone who cheats on you? And then keeps on breaking promise after promise not to contact him, knowing how it will hurt you?
The lesson on truth was an eye opener. Peter says you dont NEED to try and find things out. They will come out. So true. Every time that more comes to light it undoes so much rebuilding. Rather know the worst, so that you can accept it and come to terms with it. But every time a lie or cover up comes up you wonder what is next? In my case this went on for over a year - the shattered fragile rebuilt trust, forgiveness,and hope disappears, and you have to start yet again.
But. This programme did deliver what it promised. We are, definitely, in a much better place now than before discovering it, with a future together I could never have envisaged.
Yes. I certainly still do have the odd off days. But, instead of bottling up we can openly discuss them.
Redoing the lessons brings things into focus, and the incredible information in the recorded chats by Peter are a goldmine of aid. As he says, you WILL ALWAYS find something in the lessons that will speak to you and help. I have yet to see that statement as wrong.
In the period I have felt fear, pain, hurt, mistrust, doubts and a thesaurus of words of a similar meaning.
But this programme has helped me to face them off, put them aside, and slowly accept and know that what we have rebuilt is on solid ground, and we are looking forward to a solid and very happy future together.
Phil C.